On September 5, 2024 I celebrated 19 years of sobriety, and honestly, I’m of two minds. On the one hand, it feels great to be able to say I am clean and sober today. On the other hand, I do retain significant shame knowing that if I had been responsible and stayed clean in the first place, I wouldn’t have harmed so many people. I carry that with me, and while my sobriety is certainly an exemplary accomplishment, the celebration is mingled with a heaping portion of torment as I’m haunted by my shameful past.

My journey has been difficult, to put it lightly. I endured trauma, physical and emotional abuse, and a dysfunctional home life during my formative years. I began smoking màrijuana when I was 12-years-old, and I was hooked the first time I inhaled that smoke. I remember it vividly: It was the first time in my young life that it felt \\\”okay\\\” to be me. My anxiety and self-consciousness were gone as soon as the drug hit my brain. A year or so later I became addicted to sex because although my initiation into the sexual experience was not under the healthiest of circumstances, sex met an insatiable need to be accepted. By 15 I was a problem drinker, consuming àlcohol to extreme íntoxication every time I drank, and by 16 I was effectively an alcoholic. A few weeks before my birthday in 1997 (I was 17), I snorted mèth for the first time with some acquaintances, and I was instantly a methamphetaminè addict.

I spent the first 10 years of my sobriety trying to better understand myself and my struggles. I found that throughout adolescence and young adulthood, I hid my true self behind a mask of toxic masculinity that I used to compensate for my perceived weaknesses, my fears of not being good enough, and my discomfort with all the things that make me unique. I used drúgs and àlcohol to numb the pain of feeling so inferior that I required a mask to be accepted, and I used sex as a substitute for intimacy.

After working to remove my mask, which was a real battle in itself, I went through a process of self-discovery and self-acceptance. It took a lot of hard truth, a lot of self-work, a lot of tears, and a lot of talking to and even arguing with a black-and-white photograph, and a lot of failure before I came to any meaningful conclusions about who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. Although that process was indescribably painful, it was worth it, for if I did not commit to the struggle of genuine mental, emotional, and spiritual growth and been willing to put in the work, I would never have been able to overcome my past in order to step into my future.

The last 9 years of sobriety has been a continued process of personal growth with an added element of learning how to use my experiences to positively impact others. Through my sobriety, I have found meaning and purpose I have never known. Today, I can feel. I can experience empathy and compassion, and I don\\\’t need a mask. I know how to love and be loved. I know how to accept the flaws of others because I accept my own flaws. I know how to persevere when things get difficult, and I know how to use those difficulties for growth opportunities. I know how to engage reality in ways that make me better, that make others better, ways that make my community better.

I think that is what life as a recovering addict is all about, for the mess I made of everything never really gets cleaned up. Recovering is an active, present tense, progressive verb: I never reach a point where I’m recovered. I will continue attacking active recovery as I did active addiction–relentlessly. So… I look forward to the next 19 years of sobriety and the continued evolution of becoming the man I was always supposed to be. I look forward to being able to love back those who love me, especially those who loved me even when it hurt them to do so. I am excited for new opportunities to grow with them, learn from them, and most of all, not hurt them anymore. The privilege of purpose sobriety offers allows me to impact the world powerfully and positively. While admittedly imperfect, I’m a better, truer, more grateful version of me, clean and sober 19 years later.